遲志華女士的照顧者心路歷程 | Jean Lee (Chi Zhihua)’s Journey as a Caregiver

危機應變小組

珍珍從屋裡走到街上

“你可以駕車送她去醫院”

“叫救護車好嗎？”

“用不著。珍珍同意你帶她去。”我跟著他們走進房裡，看到她穿著睡褲。面帶笑容，化裝過的眼線已經模糊了。

”你要去那個醫院？“ 輔導員問珍珍

”ALTA B.“

”但妳屬於Kaiser.“ 我提醒她。

”你就帶她去ALTA B 吧。她有權選擇。“ 輔導員說。

”那就麻煩你打電話告訴ALTA B 急救部門。我們這就去。“ 我請求他們。

珍珍上了我的車。真高興她合作。

”謝謝你讓我送妳去醫院， 省了一百塊錢。“

我看她笑容消失了。一臉愁相，有了幾根白髪。才三十出頭。心裏一陣酸意。可憐的孩子。

約開了一半路程。

“我要去Oakland Kaiser, 我可以走路去。” 她在看手機。

“不可以這樣。ALTA B 在等我們。”

“我要去Oakland Kaiser。” 聲音很堅強。

“也好。我們先去ALTA B. 告訴他們一下， 然後再去Oakland,”

我試著留住她在車上。她打開車門要下車。車在開著。不好，天色正黑，人海茫茫。她若下車，我怎麼跟踪她？絕對不能讓她下車。我知道她力氣大，不能用臂力抓住她。我右手抓住她背包，左手開車。希望不要有紅燈。有紅燈，一下子，車一停她就跑了。

“不要抓住我背包，鬆手！” 我頓覺抓對了東西。天助我也。千萬不要鬆手。

“鬆手。” 她吼。

我夜色朦矓中看到醫院Emergency 牌子。開過去。下了車，大力拍玻璃門。

“Help please.幫幫我." 我大叫。

裡面幾個工作人無動於衷。聽不見？

我再大力拍玻璃門。死不放背包。但知道珍珍站在我身旁。是因為背包嗎？她不跑掉。

一個人開門我走進去。看見一堆人朝著我們過來。

”請不要讓她跑掉。“ 我央求。

”我們不能強迫她留下來。“

”是A市Crisis Team 和警察叫我們來的。“ 他們不理採。

”那我打電話給A市警察，叫他們告知你細節！“

我撥了號碼。 A市警察接了電話。

”剛才是你們叫我送女兒來的。來ALTA B 急救。我們已在這裡。麻煩你跟這裡人講好嗎？“

”現在妳們在Berkeley 市。你要和Berkeley 警察聯絡的。我們這市管不著了。“

天啊！這節骨眼上，還這般麻煩！

”我現在要和Berkeley 警察聯絡。請你們幫忙看著我女兒“ ”她患有精神病，別叫她跑了。“ 我小聲地告訴護士。

”我們會看著她。“

另外一個人說，命令著：

”你要挪車。你的車停在Emergency. 這是急救車停的地方！“

”好，我去挪車。這背包最重要，千萬別給我女兒。“

”你放在那桌子下面。“

其實我可以拿著女兒的背包去挪車的。當時只想到若女兒拿了背包一定跑掉！千萬不可把背包給她！

我一面挪車一面打電話給Berkeley 警察。說明一切後，

”我們什麼也做不到。“ 女警察說。

 算了。我埋怨了她幾句。我另找別人。平日都有連絡的阿白可幫忙。我腦海裡記著他的手機號碼。

”阿白。珍在ALTA B 急救室。請你連絡急救室，告知珍的病情。最重要的是千萬別叫珍溜開。“

阿白知情不必多講。他也合作。

上天助我，很容易地找到停車地方。

當我回到急診室時，見不到珍珍。

”我們已把她送進裡面等著看醫生了。背包在這裡。“

我鬆了口氣。再跟先生連絡。

”森林，一切都好。在ALTA B，你下班來時拿點吃的給我，我又餓又累。“

我坐下來休息。護士問我要不要進去陪珍珍。

”算了，我疲倦極了，不想她看到我這副能量的樣子。“

一位中年黑女人從病房走出來大叫，把手裡拿著的水瓶朝地下一扔，滿地是水。跟著個大約六，七歲的小女孩嚇的大哭。守門人把她趕到急診室外。天色黑黑招來了一堆人圍著看。幾個守門人站在一起，笑著，嘲笑的眼光看著這情景。太多的事情我可以幫忙這人間。護士又來問我要否進去陪女兒。

”我想靜一下。我先生馬上就來了。“ 趁機會打個電話給珍的心理輔導員。珍每星期見她一次。正通話中。又有一個電話打進來。是珍珍她說：

“媽你拿著我的包嗎？”

”是的，你在那裏？“

”我在街上。“

“你怎麼出來的？我沒看到妳。”

“我從旁邊的門出來。”

“你現在在那條街上？”

“在羅卜住的那條街。”

“在那裡等我不要走開。”

我告訴在等待的心理醫生，珍在街上，我要尋找她。怕誤會我問護士一下。

“請進去找我女兒，她似乎已經從側面出來了！“

只見那護士轉身跑進裡面，又跑出來，一臉恐慌地往街上跑。我跟著她。

”你去那裏找珍？“

”看她是否在這個胡同裡。“ 護士又跑回急診室告訴守門人珍珍不見了。有幾個人很著急的進進出出。我現在知道珍在外面街上是真實。

”我去找珍，請放心。“ 我找到車，朝羅卜家的方向馳去。天太黑沒街燈。找不到羅卜住的街。

”你怎麼還沒來？“女兒催了。

”我找不到他家。這裡有7-11.在這見好嗎？“

”好，拿我的包包來。“ 又通了幾次手機。我倆終於見面了。

”餓不餓？“

”午飯也沒吃。“

”我們去吃飯，就在附近。不開車。“

”我還要買藥。“

”吃過再說。“

亂了一陣子忽然想起了森林。

快連絡上了他。

”我在醫院看不見你們。“

”你快回家吧。不要等了。我們很好。回家後我再告訴你細節。“

看著女兒吃相知道她真是餓了。我要照顧她到什麼時候？

"你把我的皮包帶子都弄斷了。是掛在脖子上的。我的脖子大概也弄破皮了。” 沒完沒了。

 

***給車撞了

早飯完畢，領著女兒狗走路去作工，約一半路程時看見對面有陽光，就決定到對面走，走了幾步，突然有股大力量，我即刻大跌倒在街中央，耳邊聽到玻璃碎聲，奇怪我以前跌過是因路不平，這次沒有路不平？眼角看到一個大橘紅色車。一位中年女人走到我旁邊。

“Are you ok?"她問。手裡拿著手機。

“我打電話叫救護車？”

“怎麼回事？”

“我沒擦玻璃，早上露水，我看不見，當我發現你時，你就在我車旁邊。”

“你的車撞我了？”

“是的。打電話給救護車？”

”不必。請把我扶到路旁。我在路中間。“

她扶我去路旁坐下來。

”請把我的書和紙張拿過來。“ 她沒理會。

我看到路旁有個人停下車在打電話。

”東方女人。。。坐在那。。。“

”Are you ok?" 另一位路過男人問。

“狗朝這個方向走了”

“啊狗，請你去找他。快點。” 我驚到忘記了狗。

這男人去找狗了。撞我的女人問

“什麼樣的狗？”

“黑色小的。”

“什麼名字？”

“猶大”

“那種狗？”

“不知，女兒的狗。”

她去找狗，朝相反方向走。

“猶大，猶大，”小聲地叫。心想這種聲音根本找不到狗。

也不管她往那個方向走，放棄她。

眼見警察車。救護車也來了。

“量血壓。”

“不必。我沒事。”

“請站起來，走走看。” 我費力站起來，一拐一拐地走。

“有事，看你不能走。”

“我沒事。請幫忙找狗。狗丟了。我乖女會瘋的！”

“你寧願找狗也不上救護車！”

“我沒事。”

我趁機快打電話告訴內子目前情況。

“記下對方電話。車牌。。。”

女警走過來。

“請你們到我花店看。狗是否在那裡！”

我知道你和花店。沒問題。 “

”再請一位送我回家。看看狗有沒回家。“

感覺上又等了一段很長的時間。

女警問我

”坐警車後面好嗎？“

”我的榮幸。

我幫著女警找到我住處。沒有小狗踪影。

謝過女警。我自己開車去女兒住處。

停了車張望過去門口沒狗兒。糟了！順便下車走過去看看。

看見小矮狗兒站在門口望著我。呆呆地。

”你這個不忠心的狗，看見我有難自己跑了。不留在我身邊！以後沒有steak 吃了“ 我小聲說了牠。心裏感覺萬幸找到了牠。

忽覺要小解，等不了，褲子全濕了。

不到一個小時，又要小便，說來就來，褲子又濕了一次。

Crisis Response Team

Zhenzhen walked out of the house and onto the street.

“You can drive her to the hospital.”

“Should we call an ambulance?”

“No need. Zhenzhen agreed to go with you,” said the counselor.

I followed them inside. She was wearing pajama pants, smiling, though her eyeliner had smudged.

“Which hospital do you want to go to?” the counselor asked her.

“Alta B.”

“But you’re under Kaiser,” I reminded her.

“Just take her to Alta B — she has the right to choose,” the counselor said.

“Then could you please call ahead to Alta B’s emergency room and let them know we’re on our way?” I asked.

Zhenzhen got into my car. I was relieved she was cooperating.

“Thanks for letting me drive you. We saved a hundred bucks.”

Her smile vanished. Her face grew somber, and I noticed a few strands of white hair. She’s just in her early thirties. My heart sank. Poor girl.

We were halfway there when she said, “I want to go to Oakland Kaiser. I can walk from here.”

She was looking at her phone.

“You can’t just leave. Alta B is expecting us.”

“I want to go to Oakland Kaiser.” Her voice was firm.

“Okay, we’ll check in at Alta B first and let them know, then we can go to Oakland.”

I tried to keep her in the car. Suddenly, she opened the door while the car was still moving. It was dark outside, and there were lots of people around. If she got out, how would I follow her? I couldn’t let her run off.

She’s strong — I knew I couldn’t hold her physically. So I grabbed her backpack with my right hand while steering with my left. I prayed for no red lights — if the car stopped, she’d be gone.

“Let go of my bag!” she yelled.

At that moment, I knew I had grabbed the right thing. I couldn’t let go.

“Let go!” she screamed again.

In the dim light, I saw the hospital’s Emergency sign and drove straight there. I jumped out and banged on the glass doors.

“Help! Please help me!” I shouted.

Inside, the staff seemed unresponsive. Couldn’t they hear me?

I banged again, harder, still holding her backpack. Thankfully, Zhenzhen was still beside me — maybe because of the bag?

Someone opened the door. I went in as several staff members approached.

“Please don’t let her leave,” I begged.

“We can’t force her to stay.”

“But the A City Crisis Team and police told us to come here,” I explained.

They ignored me.

“Then I’ll call A City police and have them speak with you!”

I called them.

“Didn’t you just tell me to bring my daughter to Alta B Emergency? We’re here now. Can you please inform the staff?”

“You’re now in the city of Berkeley. You’ll need to contact the Berkeley police. We’re out of jurisdiction.”

Really? At a time like this?

“I’ll contact the Berkeley police now — please just watch my daughter!”

“She has a mental illness. Please don’t let her run off,” I whispered to a nurse.

“We’ll keep an eye on her,” someone replied.

Then another person said, somewhat rudely,

“You need to move your car. It’s parked in the Emergency zone. That’s for ambulances!”

“Okay, I’ll move it. Just make sure my daughter doesn’t get her backpack.”

“You can put it under that table.”

I could’ve taken the backpack with me, but all I could think was — if she got it, she’d run. I couldn’t let that happen.

While moving the car, I called Berkeley police and explained everything.

“We can’t do anything,” a female officer said.

Fine. I grumbled a bit, then called someone I knew — Mr. Bai, a reliable contact.

“Mr. Bai, Zhenzhen is at Alta B Emergency. Please call them and explain her condition. The most important thing is: don’t let her leave.”

He understood immediately and agreed to help.

Luckily, I found parking quickly. When I returned, Zhenzhen was no longer in the lobby.

“We brought her inside to wait for the doctor. Her backpack is right here.”

I sighed in relief and called my husband.

“Senlin, everything’s okay now. We’re at Alta B. When you get off work, can you bring me something to eat? I’m exhausted.”

I sat down. A nurse came and asked if I wanted to go in to be with Zhenzhen.

“No, I’m too tired. I don’t want her to see me like this.”

Just then, a middle-aged Black woman came storming out of the ER, shouting and throwing her water bottle to the ground. Water spilled everywhere. A little girl nearby started crying. The guards pushed the woman outside. It was dark, and a crowd began to gather.

Several guards stood there, laughing and watching, mocking the scene. So much pain in the world — I wished I could help more people.

The nurse came again.

“Do you want to go in and be with your daughter?”

“I’d like a moment to rest. My husband’s on his way.”

I took the chance to call Zhenzhen’s therapist — they meet weekly. While on the phone, another call came in — it was Zhenzhen.

“Mom, do you have my backpack?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

“I’m on the street.”

“You got out? I didn’t see you leave.”

“I went out the side door.”

“Which street are you on?”

“Rob’s street.”

“Stay there. Don’t move.”

I told the therapist that Zhenzhen had left, and I had to find her. I checked with the nurse:

“Please go check inside. I think my daughter left through the side door!”

The nurse ran inside, then back out — panicked — and took off toward the street. I followed.

“Where are you going to look?” I asked.

“To see if she’s in the alley.”

She ran back in to alert security that Zhenzhen was gone. Several staff members rushed in and out.

Now I knew for sure — Zhenzhen was out on the street.

“I’ll go find her — don’t worry.”

I got in my car and drove toward Rob’s street, but it was dark, with no streetlights. I couldn’t find the right one.

“Why aren’t you here yet?” Zhenzhen asked.

“I can’t find the house. I see a 7-Eleven. Can we meet there?”

“Okay. Bring my backpack.”

After a few more calls, we finally met.

“Are you hungry?”

“I haven’t eaten lunch.”

“Let’s go eat — somewhere nearby. We’ll walk.”

“I still need to pick up my meds.”

“We’ll eat first.”

Amid the chaos, I suddenly remembered Senlin.

I reached him.

“I didn’t see you at the hospital.”

“Head home — don’t wait for us. We’re fine. I’ll tell you more later.”

Watching Zhenzhen eat, I could tell she was starving.

How long will I need to care for her?

“You broke my purse strap. It was around my neck. I think you scraped my skin.”

She kept going on and on.

Hit by a Car

After breakfast, I was walking the dog to work with my daughter. Halfway there, I saw the sun shining on the other side of the street, so I crossed. A few steps in, a strong force hit me, and I fell hard in the middle of the road.

I heard glass shattering.

Odd — I’ve tripped before from uneven roads, but this wasn’t the case.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a large orange-red car.

A middle-aged woman approached, holding her phone.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Should I call an ambulance?”

“What happened?”

“I didn’t wipe the windshield — there was morning dew. I couldn’t see. By the time I noticed you, you were right next to my car.”

“Your car hit me?”

“Yes. Should I call an ambulance?”

“No. Please help me to the curb — I’m in the middle of the road.”

She helped me sit on the curb.

“Please bring my books and papers.”

She didn’t respond.

I saw a man nearby making a call.

“Asian woman… sitting over there…”

“Are you okay?” another man asked as he passed.

“The dog ran that way.”

“Oh no! Please help me find the dog — quickly!”

I was so shocked I forgot about the dog.

The man went looking.

The driver asked,

“What kind of dog?”

“Small and black.”

“What’s the name?”

“Judah.”

“What breed?”

“I don’t know. It’s my daughter’s dog.”

She walked off in the opposite direction, softly calling,

“Judah, Judah…”

I thought — she’ll never find him like that.

Then I saw a police car. An ambulance arrived.

“Let’s take your blood pressure.”

“No need. I’m fine.”

“Try standing. Walk a little.”

I struggled to stand and limped a few steps.

“That’s not okay — you can’t walk properly.”

“I’m fine. Please help find the dog. If we lose him, my daughter will go crazy!”

“You’d rather find the dog than ride in the ambulance?”

“I’m fine.”

I quickly called my husband and explained the situation.

“Get her phone number, license plate…”

A female officer approached.

“Come with me to my flower shop — maybe the dog went there.”

“I know your shop. No problem.”

“And please have someone drive me home — maybe the dog went back.”

It felt like a long wait.

The officer asked,

“Are you okay sitting in the back of the patrol car?”

“It’d be my honor.”

I helped her find my house. No sign of the dog.

I thanked her and drove to my daughter’s place.

No dog in sight.

I got out just in case — and there he was, standing at the door, looking at me blankly.

“You disloyal dog! I was in danger and you ran off instead of staying with me! No more steak for you,” I scolded quietly.

But deep down, I was just thankful he was safe.

Suddenly, I had to pee — couldn’t hold it. My pants were soaked.

Less than an hour later, it happened again.