YL 的躁鬱症經歷 | YL’s Experience with Bipolar Disorder
MHACC 雙語部落格 Bilingual Blog
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YL 在 2015 年 7 月 25 日 NAMI 華語項目課堂分享的故事
我是 YL，我有躁鬱症。躁鬱症是一種心理健康障礙，一個人的情緒會發生變化，從快樂變成悲傷，從悲傷又變回快樂，也可能介於兩者之間。有躁鬱症的人甚至會經歷極端的欣快與快樂情緒，接著又回到憂鬱狀態，這取決於是哪一種類型的躁鬱症，而且也可能出現在不同的情緒狀態中。我個人被診斷為第一型躁鬱症，也就是我會從極度快樂轉變為悲傷，或反之。
我第一次懷疑自己可能有問題是在我九歲的時候，甚至還沒被診斷出躁鬱症。當時我吃了一個人工水果捲，我跟我媽媽還有朋友說：「我感覺很亢奮，不像我自己。」我對人工色素反應不好。我也很難安靜地坐著。十一歲時我第一次被誤診為注意力不足過動症（ADHD）。ADHD 是一種影響九歲以上兒童在課堂上專注與安靜坐著的能力的疾病。因此，我被開了利他能（Ritalin）這種藥物，這讓我變得更亢奮，更難專心。
兩年後，也就是我十三歲的時候，在我看了凱薩（Kaiser）的醫生四次之後，我被診斷為躁鬱症。那時我從快樂到悲傷、又從悲傷到快樂的情緒變化已經太頻繁了。當時有個男生喜歡我，但我不願意跟他交往，他因此對我很不好。我媽媽舉了一個例子來說明我曾經的躁狂經驗：她說我本來可能成為一位芭蕾舞者，是她阻止了我。但那時我只是芭蕾初學者，並沒有我現在的多年訓練。
這些年來，我持續學習芭蕾舞。我有藝術家的氣質，這在有心理健康問題的人當中很常見。我的心理健康問題是躁鬱症，因此我也會經歷憂鬱週期，尤其是在月經來的時候。我的躁鬱症是在我第一次月經時，由荷爾蒙變化觸發的。大多數心理疾病存在於一個人身體之中，通常會在壞經驗或創傷事件之後顯現出來。
我的心理健康問題讓我在公立學校裡很難集中注意力，我也開始對那個喜歡我的同學行為失控。因為我不喜歡他，所以我被送往加州的一所治療性學校。所謂治療性學校，是為那些無法適應普通公立學校的兒童和青少年設立的。這類學校分成很多層級，從第 10 級（普通公立學校）開始，層級越高越嚴格，直到第 18 級，那相當於被鐵鍊拘禁的犯人團隊，甚至比青少年感化院還嚴厲。青少年感化院（也就是少年監獄）被認為是第 16 級。層級越高，對心理健康個案的管理與規範也就越嚴。
我個人被送往加州的第 12 級學校，接受日間治療。日間治療的意思是白天在學校上課，晚上回家與父母同住。由於公立學校無法提供我所需要的服務，所以學區支付了這所私立學校的費用。我還記得第一次看到這所私立學校時，覺得它環境平靜、氣氛輕鬆。
剛開始時，我很安靜、害羞，也非常乖巧。學校的職員與老師很難判斷我患的是什麼病。我也很難解釋自己的問題，那時我大多時候都是沉默的。我觀察四周，後來才慢慢對自己的病症有了深入了解。透過觀察與經驗，我發現自己如果攝取過多糖分，會先感覺冰冷，然後變得亢奮。之後，我需要喝很多水來排毒，避免變得過度亢奮。一旦變得過度亢奮，我就必須不停地走路，藉此釋放能量。我從學校學到了許多應對策略，直到今天我還在使用。
我學到的應對策略包括治療性的運動，例如像太空漫步一樣的散步來清空思緒。我也學會如何避免和不喜歡的人正面衝突，學會放下與重新開始。我還學會了如何忽略惱人的人。每個被送到治療性學校的孩子都有自己的原因，我所在的學校特別為那些無法在普通公立學校中守規矩、且患有心理健康問題的學生而設。
剛到學校時，我對自己的診斷毫無概念，之後才逐漸了解自己病症的來龍去脈。我就讀的加州這所學校，主要是為十一歲到十八歲的青少年設立的，但根據加州法律，有特殊需求的學生最長可就讀至二十一歲。我還記得十三歲時我對自己的診斷處於否認狀態，我覺得自己沒問題，我本來就很好，而且我不喜歡兒童精神科醫師開給我的藥物副作用。
我十三歲時開始在凱薩（Kaiser，一家私人保險機構）看精神科醫生。一開始那位精神科醫師很不友善，但後來我們建立了良好的關係。我直到十四歲時，在我所就讀的特殊心理健康學校裡，才真正開始理解自己的病症。我在媽媽、心理學家與精神科醫生的幫助下，學習了對自己病情的認識。我學到，在我身體不舒服或發燒時，我的思緒會特別混亂與模糊。
我也學會了自己會從躁狂（或極度亢奮）變成憂鬱（極度悲傷、整天想睡覺），也可能反過來。
我的躁鬱症是在我開始來月經時，因為荷爾蒙變化而被觸發的。當我攝取過多糖分、咖啡因，尤其是人工色素和人參時，我會變得非常亢奮。人參是一種草藥，具有刺激效果，會讓我特別「high」。在另一端，當我憂鬱時，如果喝含酒精的飲料，我會感到格外悲傷，情緒更加低落，甚至變得嗜睡。
我從小就能辨認出自己的躁狂狀態；但我是到了大約 21 歲成人之後，才學會如何識別自己的憂鬱週期。有時候我會悲傷到覺得自己什麼事都做不到。有些日子裡，我甚至悲傷到無法起床。
我患有躁鬱症，也可以說是一種情緒障礙。有些日子我感到快樂，有些日子感到悲傷，也有介於兩者之間的時候。回想我十四到十六歲時，我學會了接受自己有躁鬱症或心理健康問題的事實。我也學會了接受「不是一個正常人」所伴隨的社會汙名。畢竟，「正常」太無聊了 —— 誰想要當個「正常人」？我們每個人都有自己的優點與弱點。我也學會辨識自己何時是亢奮、何時是憂鬱。
我的亢奮與憂鬱是靠精神科藥物來控制的。我嘗試了很多種藥物，才找到適合自己的那一種。在這個過程中，我經歷了從體重增加到腹瀉，以及所有可能的過敏反應等副作用。根據我自己與心理健康問題共處的經驗，我想給大家的建議是：如果一種藥不適合，不要放棄，繼續嘗試，總有一天你會找到適合自己的藥物。對我來說，最終幫助我穩定情緒的是 Abilify（阿立哌唑），搭配 Hydroxyzine（羥嗪）來控制我過度焦慮的狀況。大多數人最終都能找到適合自己心理健康需求的藥物。
我的心理健康問題是躁鬱症，我學會透過藥物、有相同病症的朋友、精神科醫師與心理學家的支持來面對這些挑戰。我也非常幸運，有母親與姊姊這樣的家人給我支持。
不過，雖然我爸爸現在比以前更有同理心了，但他仍然無法真正理解我的病症，也無法在我最需要他時給予幫助。儘管如此，我還是很幸運，能夠從這麼多人那裡得到幫助。我希望其他人也能順利康復。直到今天，我仍然害怕哪一天自己會再度失去穩定。心理健康是一場終生的戰鬥，我們只能一天一天地走下去，期待穩定的到來。
A story shared by YL at the NAMI Chinese Program session on July 25th, 2015.
I am YL and I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mental health disorder where a person has an emotional differences one goes from happy to sad and sad back to happy and anywhere in between. A person with bipolar disorder can even go to an extreme elated and happy mood and back to a depression depending what time of bipolar disorder and the person can also be anywhere in between. I am personally identified with bipolar type I or I go from extreme happiness to sadness or the opposite way around.
I first suspected something was wrong even before I was identified with Bipolar Disorder when I was nine years old and I was eating an artificial fruit roll up. I told my mother and my friend that same day I feel hyper and not like myself. I personally do not handle artificially coloring well. I also have a hard time sitting still. I was at first at eleven years old misidentified as Attention deficient hyper active disorder. Attention deficient hyper active disorder is when a child over the age of nine years old has a hard time paying attention and sitting still in the class room. I was consequently put on Retalian a medicine that made me hyper and has a harder time concentrating.
Two years later at 13 years old I was indented by a doctor at Kaiser with Bipolar after seeing her for four times. I was happy to sad and sad back to happy one time too many and at the time I had the guy who liked me give me hell since I would not date him. My mother gave an example of my maniac experiences that I could have been a ballerina and she is the one who stopped me. I have not had the years of ballet training I do have know. I was a complete beginner in ballet at the time.
Over the years I continued my ballet and, I have an artistic temperament which is common in people with mental health problems. My mental health problem is bipolar so I also have a depression cycle when I start to feel sad especially on my period. My bipolar was triggered with hormones from my first period. Most mental health disorders are in ones body and become apparent based off a bad experiences or a traumatic event.
My mental health problem made it harder for me to concrete in public school and I started acting out with the guy who liked me in my class. I did not like this guy back so I was sent to a Therapeutic School in California. A therapeutic school is for children and teenagers who do not fit in their regular public school. The therapeutic school has many different levels ranging from a ten which is a regular public school and as the levels increase until a level eighteen which is the equivalent to a chain gang and beyond juvenile hall in structure, Juvenile Hall is or a children and teenagers prison is considered a level 16. The higher the level the more structure there are for mental health clients.
I personally was sent to a level 12 in California for day treatment. Day treatment is where one is in the school for the day and go back home to one parents at night. My school district paid the bill for the private school since the public school did not have the services required to handle me. I remember seeing the private school for the first time and I saw it was calm and relaxing setting.
During the beginning I was quite and shy and very well behaved. The staff and teacher had a hard time pin pointing my disorder. I also had a hard time explained my disorder back than was quite most of the time. I observed my surrounding and later on would learn insight into my disorder which I have today. I found the in sight my learning too much sugar gives me an icy cold feeling before I get hyper than I have to down a lot of water to flush out my system so I would not get hyper. Once hyper I would have to exercise off my hyperness by walking nonstop. I would learn from the school copping strategies for my disorder which I still use to this very day.
The coping strategies I learned were therapeutic exercise such as a space walk to clear my thoughts. I also learned to avoid and be no confrontational with people I did not like and learned how to let go and start a new. I also learned how to ignore annoying people. Everyone is sent to therapeutic school for a reason and in mine was especially for students with mental health clients who could not behave in a regular public school.
When I first arrived at the school I had no clue about my diagnosis and I would gradually learn a lot of insight of my disorder. The school I attended in California has been formed for young adults from the ages of eleven to eighteen though under California law a child can stay in a special needs school until they are twenty one years old. I remember at thirteen years old I was in denial about my disorder I thought nothing was wrong with me and I was fine the way I was and did not like the side effect of the medicines the children’s psychiatrist put me on.
I first started seeing a psychiatrist at Kaiser which is a private insurance at thirteen years old. The psychiatrist at first was very rude and mean but later on we would build quite a good relationship with my first psychiatrist. I had no clue what my disorder was until I reached 14 years old at my special school for mental health. I started learning my insight to my disorder at 14 years old from my mother and with the help of my psychologist and psychiatrist. I learned that sometimes my thoughts were confused and unclear at my worst especially when I feverish and physically do not feel well. I also
learned that I go from manic or hyper on top of the world to depression or feeling sad and sleeping all the time or the other way around.
My bipolar was triggered by my menstrual cycle or on the set of my period by hormones. I go all hyper on too much sugar, caffeine, and most especially artificial coloring and ginseng, Ginseng an herbal medicine is a stimulant that makes me particularly high. The other end of the spectrum for me with depression I feel particularly sad when I drink alcoholic beverages which make me sadder and feel depressed and make me sleep.
I could identify my manic side even as a child, I learned as an adult around 21 years old how to identify my depression cycle I would feel very sad and feel as though I could not accomplish anything. I would feel so sad that I could not even get out of bed some days.
I suffer from bipolar disorder or an emotional disorder some days I would feel happy other days sad and any where in between. Back to when I was 14 to 16 years old I learned to accept the fact that I had bipolar disorder or a mental health
issue I learned to accept the stigmatism of not being a normal person. After all normal is boring who wants to be normal since we all of us have our strengths and weaknesses. I also learned to identify when I am hyper and when I am depressed.
My hyperness and depression is managed with a psychotropic medicine. I had to try quite a few medicines before finding the right one getting the side effects from weight gain to diarrhea and every allergic symptom in the book on the wrong medicine. A piece of advice from my personal experience with a mental health issue is do not give up after one wrong medicine keep trying one will eventually find the right medicine for them. My correct medicine happens to be Abilify which helps to control my mood and keeps me stable with a combination of Hydroxzine when I am too anxious. Most people will eventually find the right medicine for their mental health issue.
My mental health issue is bipolar and I learned to cope with my issues with the support of medicine, my friends with my disorder, psychiatrist, and psychologist. I am also very lucky to have the support of my family such as my mother and sister.
Unfortunately though my dad has more empathy to me these days, but, he still does not really understand my disorder or when I need him most. I am lucky to have so much help from so many people with my disorder and I hope other people can have a smooth recovery too and I am till this very day dreading the day I become unstable again. Mental health issues are a life long battle we must take one day at a time hopping for stability.
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