痊癒之途 | The Road to Recovery | By John McManamy

Mental Health Association for Chinese Communities 美國華裔精神健康聯盟

   「痊癒是找到一件讓你充滿生命力的事,並進行之。」

 

John McManamy 魏嘉瑩 譯 

編按:寫作幫助 John 從憂鬱症的深淵中爬出,他的文章提醒我們,痊癒有許多不同的途徑。JohnMcMnamy 過去是擁有法律學位的財經記者,他出版了憂鬱症與躁鬱症的線上週刊。


關於重度憂鬱症,最糟糕的事情或許是無處可逃的難受。在一次、兩次、 數次淪為憂鬱症的受害者之後,你幾乎知道它終會復發。雖然詳情不明,但相當確定當你睡著時,它會以與這相去不遠的方式悄悄來襲: 「當你在被窩裡時,一隊 112 人的搬運工,帶著沈重的裝備躡手躡腳地潛進房間,拆掉幾道牆,在你床鋪的正下方鋪下五哩長的高速電車軌道。這是某種 樂透的反面,上帝在終將發生的造訪中,獨獨挑中你。 次日,你毫不知情地起床,只覺得大腦變成日本料理中從冰櫃魚列而出的壽司,它通過後腦杓消失在地平線之外;你的神智在火車鳴笛的都卜勒效應下漸 漸模糊,交叉迴響的笛聲嘲笑著你的軟弱與愚昧。 終於你找到一個新的腦袋裝到肩膀上,重新站起來,卻只為了被捷運,接 著是電車擊倒,最後翻白肚躺平。 現下是絕望的;街角的孩童和他的巧克力泡芙火車只要朝你的方向一望, 便可以粉碎你殘存的大腦。」

 

 回溯 1999 年初,我才剛從最糟的一次憂鬱症中倖存,依舊心有餘悸。我最 先做的幾件事之一是爬出被窩到電腦前;網路對我來說是新鮮事,憂鬱症也是。 我也漸漸承認自己的躁鬱症,它是我某方面已經知道一輩子,卻一直拒絕接受的事。 我瀏覽一個接著一個的網站,讀到憂鬱症與躁鬱症這兩種疾病如何地具有 毀滅性,但也發現它們都是可以治療的,而我在自己的痊癒中扮演主角。接著我發現個各式各樣的精神疾病留言版,在積蓄了勇氣之後,甚至開始回覆訊息。其後的幾個星期中,我發現某個頻受躁鬱症患者造訪的留言版特別吸引我。 有人登出十個你知道自己得了躁鬱症的理由,我記得第十個理由是,如果你認為羅賓•威廉斯不應該再那麼懶散,你便知道自己得了躁鬱症。 我隱約知道自己找到了某個棲息之地。

 

 幾個星期之後,一個謎樣的留言徵求作家,我是個作家,我回應了。結果 版主恰巧是 Suite101.com 的心理衛生編輯,也是一位躁鬱症患者,Colleen Sullivan。她正在找人寫關於憂鬱症的文章,我告訴她自己應該可以應付四篇文章。 令人不敢置信的是,她並沒有就此斷訊,於是我在鍵盤坐下,開始打字:「憂 鬱症並非字面所說,我們談論的是一種會佔領你的心智的情況,劫走你的尊嚴, 剝奪生命給你的歡樂,把你留在水面下兩吋,人神共棄」。 再回過神時,我已經變成網頁的憂鬱症編輯,在自己有了心得,下定決定 時,一次寫一篇文章。這一切都和我的康復密切相關;在一個星期之內,我開始寫了三篇文章,下個星期再三篇,全都蓄勢待發,等著出擊。

 

當時我心裡毫不懷 疑——自己有許多可寫。 寫作幫助我從絕處逢生,對我來說,它是一項療程;如果我是個球員,我 會投籃,如果是個園丁,會在戶外與牽牛花為伍。痊癒是找到一件讓你充滿生命力的事,並進行之。當我全速航行時,時間空間全都不存在;日頭自行落下,震 耳欲聾的音樂轉為靜音,身邊熱氣騰騰的茶杯一分鐘後再拿起來已經像石頭一樣冰冷。 經過六個月行屍走肉的生活,我再度開始寫作,真真正正地寫。雖然是在憂鬱症與躁鬱症的影子之下,但我還是寫著。我一次一篇文章,改寫著自己的生 命。 

 

本文獲得 NAMI 允許譯自”NAMI Advocate” Winter, 2003

Healings (PDF File)

March 25, 2025
One aspect of psychiatry that distinguishes the discipline from many other forms of medicine is ambiguity. While we know that a biological component likely underlies mental illness, we don’t know exactly how that biological connection works.
March 24, 2025
As I sat on the couch ordering clothes for my then five-month-old daughter, my husband — seemingly out of the blue — told me that he was not a good husband and father, he was no longer in love with me, and he wanted to end our marriage.
March 24, 2025
I have serious mental illness. As a result, mental illness has become a part of my partner and caregiver Izzy’s life as well.
March 16, 2025
As a parent, I’ve learned that it can be unbelievably difficult to recognize that your child is suffering from an illness of any kind, least of all a mental illness.
March 16, 2025
Recently, I have been reflecting on a concept I like to call “the laziness myth.” This myth, as explained by social psychologist Devon Price, is born from a workaholic culture and capitalistic ideals. It tells us that our value is derived from productivity and that we are never working “hard enough.”
MHACC “Hope Float” Shines at SF Lunar New Year Parade
February 28, 2025
On February 15, thousands gathered in San Francisco to celebrate the Lunar New Year Parade, marking the Year of the Snake.
MHACC Float Leads Oakland Chinatown Lunar New Year Parade
February 28, 2025
On February 22, 2025, the 3rd Annual AAPI Lunar New Year Parade, hosted by the Oakland Chinatown Improvement Council (OCIC) and sponsored by Hyundai, brought vibrant celebrations to Oakland Chinatown.
Wildfires in LA: MHACC Offers Support and Hope
January 26, 2025
As of January 24, 2025, the Los Angeles wildfires have claimed 28 lives, destroyed or damaged over 16,200 structures, and displaced 200,000 residents.
13th Annual Lunar New Year Party & First Charity Fundraiser
January 26, 2025
On January 18, 2025, under the vibrant spirit of the Lunar Year of the Green Snake, the Mental Health Association for Chinese Communities (MHACC) held its 13th Annual Lunar New Year Celebration and First Charity Fundraiser at Pacific Lighthouse.
Nutritional psychiatry: Your brain on food
December 29, 2024
Harvard Health Blog explores the profound impact that nutrition has on your brain’s structure, function, and mood.
More Posts
Share by: